Positive Relationships and Understanding and Responding to Behaviour

This chapter provides guidance for carers on understanding and responding to behaviour, which includes supporting positive behaviour, and de-escalation of conflicts and consequences where felt to be necessary.

Children and young people who have experienced trauma and ruptures in their family relationships can struggle to make sense of and find words for what they are feeling. Instead, feelings, worries and muddles are often expressed through their behaviour. As with pre-verbal infants and toddlers, it is the adult's job to try to work out what might be needed. This process of understanding can helpfully come about through gently observing and allowing yourself to feel curious about your foster child, by noticing your own emotional responses to their behaviour, trying out different things that might help and noticing what the child in your care can and cannot manage.

Whereas a lot of this will happen naturally, this can feel harder with older children when their behaviour seems at odds with what they appear to be wanting or needing. For example, it can be hard to see how underneath a child's very controlling behaviour, they might be feeling frightened. Or how by hiding an important possession such as your car keys, they might be testing out that you are holding them in mind.

When feeling under fire as a parent or carer, it can be hard to think clearly about what a child might be communicating to you. Attachment research tells us that the process of trying to make sense of a child's behaviour and finding words for their worries has significant developmental and relationship benefits. In the heat of the moment, a few understanding words can help soothe your foster child's frightened or hyper-aroused state.

Even with more challenging behaviour, which can feel defiant or aggressive, your foster child is likely to be wanting you to understand something. Perhaps they are pushing your limits, to make sure you are safe and strong enough to manage them and keep them safe.

It is also important to recognise the times when you might need additional help and that you feel able to ask for this. This is likely to mean talking to your supervising social worker or your foster child's social worker and the other key people involved in supporting you, to support the child in your care.

Supporting your foster child to settle and feel safe and comfortable with you, needs to be the priority. This will be most effectively achieved through attending to your relationship with them. Through this, they may begin to find words for their worries and distress rather than act on them and hopefully be able to share with you, their successes.

Here are some key principles and top tips to be mindful of: 

• The best way to help a child feel safe is through your relationship with them;
• Try to think of behaviour as communication (not just an action). What might they be needing you to understand?
• Noticing, being interested in and accepting feelings will help you build a strong relationship with your child;
• Feeling in control of your behaviour is more effective than trying to control their behaviour;
• Limit setting will be necessary at times but 'connecting before correcting' can make this more effective;
• When children first come into foster care, they can be on their 'best behaviou'. As they begin to relax more into your care of them, they might begin to test the relationship. This can be a crucial opportunity to deepen your relationship with them by acknowledging that perhaps a part of them is expecting you to dislike them or to stop caring for them. They might also have very confusing and conflicting feelings about allowing a relationship with you and feelings of loyalty towards their parents. It might be helpful to gently explore and name this;
• It is natural to enjoy and reward positive behaviour and sometimes consequences will feel necessary when behaviour becomes challenging. However, this can be of limited effectiveness as it only serves to reinforce how conditional relationships can feel. Sometimes the most powerful thing is to show understanding;
• Because of their experiences, it is very likely that your child will hold some core beliefs about themselves, such as they are 'bad' or 'unlovable'. Helping them to accept all of their feelings will help them develop a healthier sense of themselves;
• Children and young people who have experienced developmental trauma (also referred to as early or relational trauma) often have much younger emotional needs. Responding to your child's needs for comfort at a younger age (think infant!) and accepting behaviour you might expect from a younger child can help establish a sense of emotional safety and provide the best opportunity for their emotional development;
• It can be very helpful to attend to and think about the feelings that arise in your relationship with your child. Some of these feelings might be yours and belong to your past, but they might also belong to the child and be a helpful way of understanding something that your child cannot easily express;
• When things go wrong in your relationship, taking time to repair can be very powerful for a child;
• A child/young person may not know why they did something. It may be hidden from them. They may need some time and help to explore and think about this, but we don't always need to look for answers and explanations;
• Look after yourself & try not to take things personally;
• Maintain a sense of fun.

Children learn how to behave by watching, listening and talking to the adults who care for them. Children develop their morals and values from the experiences they have had of how adults treat others.

Children need clear boundaries and consistent rules. You should have high aspirations of a child/young person placed with you and be clear about what is acceptable and not.

You are expected to understand and respond appropriately to children and young people's behaviour including encouraging children to understand triggers for their own behaviour and learn to take responsibility and manage it with your support, helping them to learn how to resolve conflict independently.

It is important that you as the foster carer follow a multi-disciplinary approach to understanding and supporting children and young people. As a foster carer you cannot and should not be expected to manage what can be very challenging behaviour in isolation in the absence of guidance and a shared understanding and agreement with regard to the strategies of support available.

. The referral information, Placement Plan and reviews will help to inform the ongoing plan around support in relation to understanding and responding to the child or young person's behaviour. Your Supervising Social Worker will ensure that, in relation to any child placed or to be placed with you as a foster carer, you are given such information, which is kept up to date, as to enable you to provide appropriate care for the child, and in particular you should be provided with a copy of the most recent version of the child's care plan. All the necessary information about a child's circumstances, including any significant recent events, to help you understand and anticipate the child's needs and likely behaviours, to enable you to support the child within your household.

Every home has house rules, which include your expectations for how things are managed within the home. When your foster child is new to your home they will not know or understand your family expectations and household rules, which can seem very daunting for a child or young person joining a new family.

Therefore, all children and young people joining the fostering household should be made aware of rules and expectations and the reasons for them. They should also know that there are rules for everyone, to avoid feelings of being treated differently or with less regard than other members of the household. Ideally, children should know these expectations before they are placed.

You will be supported to draw up a Family Safer Caring Agreement, which sets out the household rules, expectations and boundaries, which all members of the family will be aware of and (where appropriate) will sign it. From the Family Safer Caring Agreement, a Safer Caring Plan will be drawn up for each child/young person that is placed with you. When considering and agreeing on the Safer Caring plan, you will need to be mindful of the child’s background and early life experiences when setting boundaries and expectations for the child/young person and others in the fostering household. The Safer Caring Family Agreement should be shared with the child/young person, all others within the fostering household, and other significant people who visit the home should be aware of pertinent information to ensure safer caring is carried out at all times.

It is important that the child is treated consistently by everyone who is dealing with them, particularly when there are two carers.

As the foster carer your role is to:

• Aim to create a safe, caring environment;
• Ensure that all children have opportunities to become confident and achieve their full potential;
• Encourage the child's consultation and participation in setting rules and consequences;
• Ensure that all children and young people live in homes where they have clear expectations in relation to their behaviour, are supported to understand and to develop alternative positive approaches to challenges within their lives;
• Ensure that all children and young people understand how positive behaviour is recognised and rewarded;
• Ensure that all children and young people are supported to understand the consequences of negative behaviour;
• Ensure that you understand and share the principles of positive approaches to behaviour;
• Accept the individuality of children and young people and celebrate the diversity of their backgrounds.

You play an important part in the day-to-day life of a child, therefore good parenting, supported by training on techniques and strategies to understand and respond to behaviour, will enable you to achieve and develop a more positive relationship with the child and a more harmonious family environment and will enable the child to feel good about themselves.

Positive behaviour support is about everyone playing their part in the child’s care and it should be a multi-disciplinary approach.

Things that need to be in place to support a positive behaviour approach:

You should provide an environment and culture that promotes, models and supports positive behaviour. The culture of the household, generated by you as the foster carer, is crucial. You should have high expectations of all of the foster children in your household.

Children must be enabled to build trusted and secure relationships with you and your family, who know them well, listen to them, spend time with them, protect them and promote their welfare. Children must be enabled to develop an appropriate sense of permanence and belonging and be fully included in your family life.

The care and help from you assists children and young people placed with you to develop a positive self-view and to increase their ability to form and sustain attachments and build emotional resilience and a sense of their own identity. This care and supportive approach will also help them to overcome any previous experiences of neglect and trauma.

You will be, and should feel, well prepared and supported by the Fostering Service to manage the behaviour of children and young people placed with you and situations arising from and leading to this behaviour.

. You should have positive strategies for effectively supporting children where they encounter discrimination or bullying wherever this occurs, such as discussing the issue, counteracting the negativity and how to manage it, whether to involve others and when.

Children should be supported to develop and practice skills to build and maintain positive relationships, be assertive and to resolve conflicts positively. Children are encouraged to take responsibility for their behaviour in a way that is appropriate to their age and abilities. You should respect the child's privacy and confidentiality, in a manner that is consistent with good parenting.

As a foster carer you should think about the following in your practice:

• Listen to and empathise with children, respect their thoughts and feelings and take their wishes into consideration;
• Look for things that are going well, or any step in the right direction, and appropriately reward it;
• Use rewards in a creative and diverse way, specific to children's needs, capabilities and interests. This may mean that children are rewarded with activities or rewards that they enjoy. But all 'tangible' rewards should be accompanied by use of 'non tangible' encouragement and support – by you demonstrating to children that they have done well. Such 'non tangible' rewards include smiling and praising children;
• Make sure that children and young people are aware of the things that they have done well. This should involve prompt verbal feedback, along with clear recording in the child or young person’s file. All ‘tangible’ rewards should be clearly identified.

Children usually benefit, early on, from rewards which may appear to outweigh that which is expected. This is normal; over time rewards can be more relevant as children's self-esteem and skills improve.

For example:

• Children who have few social or life skills and whose self-esteem and confidence is low may require forms of encouragement and reward which are intensive, frequent or even excessive in order to help/remind them that they are doing well and appreciated;
• A child who has previously been unable to get up for school may be offered an incentive for getting up on time for a few days.

Over time, as children achieve what is expected, such rewards should be reduced or children should be expected to achieve more for the same or a similar reward.

Practical PACE Guide

The Practical Pace Guide aims to provide some practical tips for using and being ‘PACE’ as a parent or carer. A copy of the PACE Guide will be provided to you by your supervising social worker. 

‘An attitude or stance of Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy; qualities that are helpful when creating emotional safety and when trying to stay open and engaged with another person. This, in turn, helps the other person stay open and engaged with you. These traits are similar to the attitude that parents routinely show when communicating with infants.’
DDP Network 

PACE stands for:

Sometimes 'L' for Love is included, making PLACE.

Somerset offers training to carers in relation to managing challenging behaviour and foster carers should be given a full copy of the policy by their supervising social worker. 

You will receive training in positive care and support of children, including training in de-escalating problems and disputes.

Conflict management should be used effectively and include the appropriate use of restorative practices that improve relationships, increase children's sense of personal responsibility and reduce the need for formal police intervention. This approach to care is designed to minimise the need for police involvement to deal with challenging behaviour and avoid criminalising children unnecessarily. Proactive and effective working relationships with the police help to support and protect children.

Children should be encouraged and helped to develop skills and strategies to manage their own conflicts and difficult feelings through developing positive relationships with you. There should be clear, consistent and appropriate boundaries for children.

Children should receive help to manage their behaviour and feelings safely. You should respond with clear boundaries about what is safe and acceptable and seek to understand the triggers for behaviour.

Positive behaviour should be promoted consistently. You should use effective de-escalation techniques and creative alternative strategies that are specific to the needs of each child and planned in consultation with them where possible.

You will receive support on how to manage your responses and feelings arising from caring for children, particularly where children display very challenging behaviour, and understand how children's previous experiences can manifest in challenging behaviour.

Difficult or challenging behaviour in children can occur for a number of reasons, for example:

• As a way of expressing emotions;
• As a result of developmental delays or learning disability;
• As a result of attachment/relationship difficulties;
• Learned behaviours in which challenging responses have become habit in the face of frustration or anxiety.

It is important that you have information about the child or young person’s history and can understand the causes of the child's behaviour and provide the child with help and support.

When working with, or caring for, children with challenging behaviour it is useful to bear in mind the following:

• The age and emotional maturity of the child, including understanding of behaviours;
• That the aim of any positive behaviour management is to help the child learn how to behave more appropriately and not to punish or to purely keep the child under control;
• Challenging or undesirable behaviour should not result in emotional distance between the child and you;
• No matter how difficult or challenging a child's behaviour, you should never resort to similar behaviour;
• The more you are able to understand a child's behaviour and are able to meet their needs in a consistent manner, the less likely they are to encounter difficulties with control.

Children need clear boundaries and to know what is expected of them to keep everyone safe.

The key points of a positive behaviour approach are:

• The ground rules are discussed with the child and their family/carers so that their views can be taken into account;
• You should be honest about any non-negotiable issues, such as smoking on the premises;
• Rules need to be realistic and ideally phrased as a "do" rather than a "do not";
• Children may need to be reminded from time to time of the expectations we have regarding their behaviour and of why we have rules;
• When children or young people are stressed and upset they can display strong emotions such as anger, distress and frustration. Acknowledging that a child’s feeling are legitimate but look with the child at how the situation can be managed in a different way.

It is important to consider that a child may have disabilities or learning needs that affect their behaviour, social skills, communication and understanding so require extra help with behaviour management.

It is important to work with the multi-disciplinary team to work out a positive approach to supporting the child or young person with their behaviours. This plan should be followed by all to ensure that the child or young person receives consistent messages around what is expected. Ongoing support around emotional needs, wishes and feelings and behaviours may be needed to keep the child or young person safe and healthy.

You are not permitted to conduct body searches, pat down searches, searches of clothing worn by children or of their bedrooms.

Should you suspect that a child is carrying or has concealed an item which may place the child or another person at risk, you should try to obtain the item by co-operation/negotiation.

If you suspect that a child is concealing an item which may place themselves or another person at risk, you must notify the Fostering Service or, in an emergency, the Police.

In the event of any serious incident (e.g. accident, violence or assault, damage to property), you should take what actions you deem to be necessary to protect children/yourself from immediate harm or injury; and then notify the child’s social worker and your supervising social worker immediately.

If there is a risk of serious injury/harm or damage to property, you should not use any form of physical intervention except as a last resort to prevent yourself or others from being injured or to prevent serious damage to property. If any form of physical intervention is used, it must be the least intrusive necessary to protect the child, yourself or others. See also: Restrictive Physical Intervention and Restraint Procedure.

At no time should you act unless tyou are confident of managing the situation safely, without escalation or further injury.

The Fostering Service will endeavour to deal with as many as possible of the challenges that are involved in caring for children without recourse to the involvement of the police, who should only be involved in two circumstances:

• An emergency necessitating their immediate involvement to protect the child or others;
• Following discussion with the Supervising Social Worker, fostering manager, or the fostering Agency Out of Hours.

If any serious incident occurs or the police are called, the Supervising Social Worker, fostering manager or the Fostering Service Out of Hours (if out of office hours) must be notified without delay and will then notify the relevant social worker(s) and arrange for a full report to be made of the incident and actions taken. The Regulatory Authority must also be notified.